Coco was outside the other night and some leave rustled in the wind. I never saw her scurry backward so fast. She stood back barking at the leaves like a maniac and finally I had to let her in because she was so beside herself. Later, I could almost hear Ali giggling at the sight of her silly dog fleeing the leaves. I haven’t thought about her laugh in a very long time, but it felt so good to remember it—for a minute she was right there with me.
When I was cleaning out the DVD cabinet, I ran across the video of her funeral and I watched it for the first time. It was as if I was watching someone else--all very fuzzy and nightmare-like. It was sad, yet it was good; a reminder of how much she was loved and the impact she had on so many. It was good to be reminded of her conversations with her friend and Pastor Karl, that she felt God’s presence and had prepared herself to meet Him.
Sometimes I still fool myself into thinking that there will be some sort of miracle and she will come back to me. How ludicrous is that? So when I come to my senses, the rational me compromises by hoping she will “visit” me; that there will be some sort of encounter or a conversation in a dream. It has happened, but only a couple of times and very long ago. That will sound crazy to some, but others will know what I’m talking about. Maybe hearing her laugh was the gift I had been hoping for. I need to learn not to be so greedy.
She is “in my face” this time of year—first days of school, Halloween, birthdays, trips to Williamsburg and the orchard, Thanksgiving and Christmas. It’s been a hard week.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
The World Turned Upside Down
Journal: January 30, 2005
If buttercups buzz'd after the bee,
If boats were on land, churches on sea,
If ponies rode men and if grass ate the cows,
And cats should be chased into holes by the mouse,
If the mamas sold their babies
To the gypsies for half a crown;
If summer were spring and the other way round,
Then all the world would be upside down.
How impossible it must have seemed. A ragamuffin army of shopkeepers, tradesmen, farmers, and Frenchmen defeating the worlds most powerful military force. To the British during the Revolutionary War, the unimaginable had happened. It defied logic and made them question the nature of everything they knew. Like Alice in Wonderland trying to make sense of a mad tea party, confusion reigned. It was a World Turned Upside Down.
How wrong it is to watch your child die at seventeen. To let them go ahead of you alone and without your guiding hand. To go on breathing when they will not. It is the agonizing realization that while you will always remember their face and their spirit, one day the sound of their laughter will fade.
I have looked into her once bright eyes and seen grief, fear and sadness looking back. The stark reality that, in this place, anyway, all of her hopes and dreams will rest silently along side of her. There will be no college visits, graduations, jobs in New York, engagements, weddings or grandchildren. There will be no more quiet talks or inside jokes; no vacations or Christmas trees. All I have left is to lay by her side and smell her hair before that privilege is taken from me as well.
Over a short period of time, she has made her peace and now she tries to comfort us. She is beautiful, my little girl. Occasionally she will wake up for a drink or to ask a question. S ometimes she laughs at something only she can hear or reach out for something only she can see. She is confused between her dreams and reality and it frustrates her. She has lost track of time but hasn't lost her sense of humor. Her body is still with us but the cancer and the drugs have captured her spirit.
It is not a part of the natural order of things and I can make no sense of it. All that I can do is trust that by the grace of God, I will walk through it and get to the other side. Get to the other side and be the kind of person she would be proud of, worthy of her suffering, her life and her legacy.
That is why I know that I will smile again. Someday. I will smile and laugh and find joy wherever I am able; so that, when people look at me they will not see bitterness and anger, they will see the spirit of Alison in all her glory. The girl with the radiant smile and warm heart. The brave girl who brought life and laughter with her wherever she went.
I cannot make this thing go away. It is a riddle that I will never solve and a wound that will never completely heal. Alice had it right when she wearily told the Mad Hatter, 'I think you might do something better with the time,' she said, `than waste it in asking riddles that have no answers.' The time for asking questions has passed. Now I am going to lie here beside my precious daughter, hold her hand, smell her hair and tell her that I love her. The world is turned upside down and now I must find a way to dwell here.
If buttercups buzz'd after the bee,
If boats were on land, churches on sea,
If ponies rode men and if grass ate the cows,
And cats should be chased into holes by the mouse,
If the mamas sold their babies
To the gypsies for half a crown;
If summer were spring and the other way round,
Then all the world would be upside down.
How impossible it must have seemed. A ragamuffin army of shopkeepers, tradesmen, farmers, and Frenchmen defeating the worlds most powerful military force. To the British during the Revolutionary War, the unimaginable had happened. It defied logic and made them question the nature of everything they knew. Like Alice in Wonderland trying to make sense of a mad tea party, confusion reigned. It was a World Turned Upside Down.
How wrong it is to watch your child die at seventeen. To let them go ahead of you alone and without your guiding hand. To go on breathing when they will not. It is the agonizing realization that while you will always remember their face and their spirit, one day the sound of their laughter will fade.
I have looked into her once bright eyes and seen grief, fear and sadness looking back. The stark reality that, in this place, anyway, all of her hopes and dreams will rest silently along side of her. There will be no college visits, graduations, jobs in New York, engagements, weddings or grandchildren. There will be no more quiet talks or inside jokes; no vacations or Christmas trees. All I have left is to lay by her side and smell her hair before that privilege is taken from me as well.
Over a short period of time, she has made her peace and now she tries to comfort us. She is beautiful, my little girl. Occasionally she will wake up for a drink or to ask a question. S ometimes she laughs at something only she can hear or reach out for something only she can see. She is confused between her dreams and reality and it frustrates her. She has lost track of time but hasn't lost her sense of humor. Her body is still with us but the cancer and the drugs have captured her spirit.
It is not a part of the natural order of things and I can make no sense of it. All that I can do is trust that by the grace of God, I will walk through it and get to the other side. Get to the other side and be the kind of person she would be proud of, worthy of her suffering, her life and her legacy.
That is why I know that I will smile again. Someday. I will smile and laugh and find joy wherever I am able; so that, when people look at me they will not see bitterness and anger, they will see the spirit of Alison in all her glory. The girl with the radiant smile and warm heart. The brave girl who brought life and laughter with her wherever she went.
I cannot make this thing go away. It is a riddle that I will never solve and a wound that will never completely heal. Alice had it right when she wearily told the Mad Hatter, 'I think you might do something better with the time,' she said, `than waste it in asking riddles that have no answers.' The time for asking questions has passed. Now I am going to lie here beside my precious daughter, hold her hand, smell her hair and tell her that I love her. The world is turned upside down and now I must find a way to dwell here.
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